I would argue that we all have a mental health journey. We all have times where we feel great, other times when we feel low. Times we are overwhelmed by the stress of life, and other times that where this stress is much lower or nonexistent.
When I think of my “mental health journey,” I feel that this story starts in high school. I imagine many of you would say the same. Such a difficult time filled with uncertainty, social pressures, and, for many of us, family difficulties. My family really began falling apart during this period of my life. As I mentioned in my initial post, mental health was not something that was talked about when I was growing up. My mom was depressed and on antidepressants, but we all very much looked at that as a negative, especially as none of these seemed to be working for her. Looking back at my time in high school, I can absolutely see myself as a kid struggling with anxiety and depression.
It’s hard to imagine how I wouldn’t have some degree of anxiety with everything I had going on, between being at school, keeping up with friends, playing sports, and trying to take part in extracurriculars to pad my college resume. I was extremely stressed throughout my senior year, trying to decide what my next steps in life were going to be. Neither of my parents went to college and I very much felt on my own in terms of knowing what to do with the whole process. I believe I only applied to four schools and I feel grateful that I got into at least one of these.
My parents did not have a good relationship while I was in high school. I was preoccupied with moving away from college and I couldn’t wait to get out. I can look back and see depression in myself during this time, despite being constantly busy.
I also struggled with depression during my first semester of college. Like many of us experience, college wasn’t this amazing place that I thought it was going to be. I was finding it very difficult to make friends and felt alone and sad. I went to school several states away, so I couldn’t just go home easily if I wanted to. My sister lived 90 minutes away, and I started to rely on her too much for emotional support. Thankfully, this got easier throughout college. I met one close friend, who I still have today.
I dealt with another period of depression in the year between undergrad and graduate school, where I was living at home (you can read more about this time in my Why I Became a Therapist post). Things at home were worsening and it was incredibly difficult to be there and not know where I was headed, either in my profession or my life.
Moving to the East Coast was a great experience. I continue to live where I went to graduate school, and I think it was the best choice I could’ve made for myself and my mental health. I continued to struggle with a great deal of anxiety throughout graduate school. In terms of what my anxiety currently looks like, it often manifests socially. I’m introverted and quiet and, since high school, have never had a very easy time making friends. I also struggled with presentations and speaking up in class. I can’t even count how many times I sat in classes and couldn’t focus knowing I was going to have to say something at some point. Being in a PsyD program, you really can’t get around public speaking, thoughtful discussions, and talking about cases to a group of your peers. It was the longest exposure treatment I could’ve imagined, but I did begin to feel more comfort doing these things by the end of my time in school.
I still struggle with anxiety. Sometimes it is so intense, I can’t be present and can’t think of anything other than the thing that I am anxious about. It impacts my mood and I can take it out on people closest to me. Even knowing all of the tools and strategies to manage the feeling, some days I just can’t get away from it. And even if I’m not acutely anxious about something, I can feel the anxiety inside of me trying to find something to latch onto. You haven’t heard from family in a few days. Something might be wrong, or, That client seemed a little off last weeks. They probably think you’re a horrible therapist.
Using the strategies, talking to my own therapist, and taking Lexapro doesn’t stop these thoughts from seeping into my everyday thoughts and experiences. Thankfully, these are not as intense as they used to be and I tend to get over them quicker. I’ve learned how to make space for my anxiety and better recognize what I need in these situations. Although I will continue to post information based on my schooling and professional experiences, I hope to continuing to offer insight into what has worked for me personally. Hopefully some of that can be validating for others who have similar experiences.